The ADHD Couple
If you are in an ADHD relationship, one of you at some point may have thought - Can we survive this?
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It is likely that you will have be experiencing a higher level of miscommunication, frustration and uncertainty than you expected. Your journey together may have led to separations, retaliation, affairs, addictions and other types of attempts to block out, manage or escape the turmoil.
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However - I want you to know THREE things..
This is perfectly normal.
When two people with completely different 'neuro styles' are trying to do life together - miscommunications and misunderstandings can happen at every turn.
It is more than survivable.
Even the most exhausted of relationships can become harmonious if both parties are willing to take on a little responsibility and do the work.
Help is out there.
Over many years of professional and personal experience of how deeply ADHD impacts relationships - I have seen how with the right help, a commitment to trying and being open - it is absolutely possible to have the relationship you both really want.
​Read more on surviving an ADHD marriage
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Do we need therapy?
Yes - my advice is that it is essential both partners have individual therapy. Here's why.
The ADHDer.
Talking Therapy will play an essential part in coming to terms with who you are and what you have been through.
There will likely be years of being misunderstood, mistreated and possibly misdiagnosed - all shaping how you see yourself and others around you.
Who you trust, who you let in, what you say, when you say it and how you hear things said to you will be shaped by your neuro style and on top of this other experiences in your childhood - including what you learnt and saw in your parents relationship.
The negative experiences particularly in the years pre diagnosis often contribute to low self esteem, self sabotage, imposter syndrome and defensive behaviours that show up in relationships -leading to arguments, miscommunications and anxiety.
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Talking about these with someone that is impartial, non judgemental and most importantly understands ADHD can play a large part in reframing.
This means how you look back on your past actions, responses and making sense of where you are now and what is holding you back from feeling better in your current situation.
The Partner.
You have an important story experience to process too - with vaild feelings, responses and concerns and frustrations.
Often the emphasis is on the ADHDer to manage their symptoms. - Go and get a diagnosis, do therapy , take meds, do more exercise, stop drinking/gambling/spending etc
But I don't believe that this is the most effective way to create the marriage you want because this approach reinforces the negative message your partner has lived with their whole lives - THEY are the problem. They are either wrong, bad, stupid, lazy or just simply different to everyone else.
I have seen how the biggest leaps are made and hurdles overcome when both partners recognise that they each can have an important part to play in improving an ADHD marriage.
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Partners of ADHDers will have their own set of unexpressed thoughts and feelings built up. Their own stories of feeling hurt, betrayed, confused and exhausted by the role they play in the marriage.​
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Processing and understanding the validity of these is an important part of moving on from what was to what will be.​​
"Learning what each of your responses really means is a complete game changer for your relationship".
Rebecca Loan
TIPS
✓ Each prepare to commit to 6 mnths to 1 yr of weekly therapy.
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Now you have pin pointed the issue you may feel in a hurry to get things 'fixed' - however the most effective therapy needs time and consistency to develop trust and lasting improvements.
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Regularity and frequency helps the momentum of the therapy and the depths to which you can explore underlying issues.
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*ADHDers can sometimes be vulnerable to 'quick fixes' heavy marketing.
✓ Look for a therapist with ADHD awareness or training.
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Don't be afraid to ask your therapist on their free intro call how they work with ADHD. Do they have set ideas or are they open to the developments that are ongoing? Do they have personal experience?
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​*Check out what titles mean in the country you are living in - Psychologist/Psychotherapist/Counsellor have different training requirements in different countries.
✓ Find a different therapist for each of you.
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Prioritise feeling safe in your therapy.​
​Choosing your own separate therapists helps avoid conflicts of interest, ensures impartiality, helps maintain confidentiality, prevents bias. and allows for focused exploration of your individual needs and dynamics within the relationship.
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A good starting place is Psychology Today - here you will see other profiles like mine stating qualifications, method of working and more.
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