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Parenting a Teenager with ADHD
- Rebecca Loan
- May 8, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 10
When Worry, Responsibility and Anxiety Begin to Take Over Family Life
Parenting a teenager can be one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of family life.
When ADHD is part of the picture, many parents find themselves carrying an enormous amount of anxiety. They worry about school, friendships, motivation, future opportunities, emotional wellbeing and whether their teenager is developing the skills they will need for adult life. Whilst other parents seem to be stepping back and allowing their teenagers more independence, many ADHD parents find themselves becoming increasingly involved in keeping everything on track.
Over the years, I have worked with many parents who arrive feeling exhausted, frustrated and worried about their teenager. On the surface they may be talking about forgotten homework, missed deadlines, messy bedrooms, emotional outbursts or constant arguments. However, as we talk, it often becomes clear just how much time and energy they are spending trying to manage the impact of ADHD.
The Hidden Work of Parenting ADHD
One of the things many parents don't realise is just how hard they are working.
They are reminding, encouraging, motivating, explaining, organising, checking, negotiating and worrying. They are chasing school emails, monitoring homework, arranging appointments, keeping track of deadlines and thinking several steps ahead in an attempt to prevent problems before they happen.
All of this usually comes from a place of love and concern. Parents are trying their best to support their teenager and protect them from unnecessary difficulties. Yet over time, family life can begin to revolve around managing ADHD. Conversations become dominated by unfinished tasks, forgotten responsibilities and concerns about the future. Before long, both parent and teenager can find themselves feeling exhausted.
Many parents don't realise how much of their day is spent managing ADHD until they stop and really look at everything they are carrying.
When Anxiety Takes Over
What I have noticed, both professionally and personally, is that anxiety has a habit of making us grip tighter.
The more worried we become, the harder we work. We remind again. We send another text. We check whether the task has been done. We try to motivate. We step in to rescue situations that appear to be heading towards disaster.
Understandably, we are trying to help.
The difficulty is that whilst these strategies may bring short-term relief, they often increase tension within the family. Teenagers can begin to feel criticised, controlled or constantly monitored. Accusing parents of treating them like a child. Parents can feel ignored, unappreciated and increasingly resentful. The household gradually becomes organised around preventing problems and over time the more anxious everyone often feels.
ADHD Doesn't Just Affect The Teenager
One of the things I have noticed in my couples work, is that when a teenager is struggling, the impact is rarely contained to them alone. The stress, worry and uncertainty can gradually spread throughout the household, affecting parents, siblings and family relationships in ways that often go unnoticed.
It is not unusual for parents to find themselves taking very different approaches. One parent may become increasingly involved, checking, organising and trying to prevent problems before they happen. The other may feel that their teenager needs more space, independence or responsibility. Both are usually acting from a place of care, yet these different approaches can easily create tension between parents who are already feeling stretched.
The situation can become even more complex when one parent begins to recognise ADHD traits in themselves. I have spoken to many parents who started out seeking support for their teenager only to realise that some of the struggles they were seeing felt surprisingly familiar.
For some, this brings relief and understanding. For others, it can stir up difficult emotions about their own childhood, education, self-esteem or relationships. It is not uncommon for a parent's own ADHD journey to begin whilst they are trying to support their child through theirs.
What can easily be overlooked in all of this is the emotional toll it takes on the adults. Whilst much of the attention is understandably focused on the teenager, parents are often carrying worry, guilt, frustration, self-doubt and exhaustion behind the scenes. This is one of the reasons I believe parents need support too whether it is online, in person or through reading.
The Book I Recommend Most Often
A book I regularly recommend parents of teenagers with ADHD read, is The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene.
Despite being first published in 1998, it is still relevant and is a brilliant book for helping parents understand behaviour differently. One of the reasons I return to it so often is that it encourages parents to look beyond what they can see on the surface and become curious about what may be happening underneath. it actually give examples of what to do - not just theory.
Many parents assume the book is only relevant for children who shout, argue or have dramatic emotional outbursts. However, one of its most important messages is that "explosive" behaviour does not always look explosive.
Some young people become angry and reactive.
Others become overwhelmed and shut down.
Some retreat to their bedrooms.
Some avoid tasks altogether.
Some appear unmotivated when they are actually struggling.
Understanding this distinction can be incredibly powerful because it shifts the focus away from managing behaviour and towards understanding the difficulties that may be driving it.
Support for Parents Matters Too
One thing I always remind parents is that ADHD does not only affect the person who has it. ADHD affects the whole family including siblings.
Living alongside ADHD can be exhausting. It can leave parents feeling worried, isolated and unsure whether they are helping or making things worse. This is why I often encourage parents to seek support for themselves, speak with professionals, connect with other parents and continue learning about ADHD.
The more you understand what is happening, both for your teenager and for yourself, the easier it becomes to respond thoughtfully rather than react from fear or frustration.
What To Remember
✓ Parenting a teenager with ADHD can provoke enormous amounts of anxiety.
✓ Parents underestimate how much time and emotional energy they spend managing ADHD.
✓ The more anxious parents become, the harder they often work to keep everything on track.
✓ Understanding what sits beneath behaviour can completely change how we respond to it.
✓ Not all struggling teenagers explode. Some become quiet, withdrawn and overwhelmed.
✓ The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greeneis the book I recommend most to parents.
✓ Support for parents matters just as much as support for teenagers.
Continue Exploring
Rebecca Loan
Psychotherapist & ADHD Specialist
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